Oddities
by Ivory Tower
Summary: Lupin's gone batty, Snape's tied up, there's an angry mob after Draco-what's going on? Brief appearences by the Metatron and the Sheriff.


Hogwarts Oddities  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: Check with J.K. Rowling.  
Professor Lupin entered the room looking rather tired.  
  
"Sir!" exclaimed Neville Longbottom. "Where are your pants?"  
  
"I sold them," said Professor Lupin, "for some...waxed twine. Then, I took that waxed twine and I...stretched it out, and gave it a tweak. Mighty fine twine. I flossed a goat's beak."  
  
"Sir, are you feeling well?" inquired Hermione.  
  
Professor Lupin donned a black fedora hat and took up a microphone. He began to sing.  
  
"I've got me a vat of grease. Mixed with leeks. And with those leeks, I soaked up that grease. Greasy leeks, baby. Greasy leeks."  
  
Harry lit up a cigarette.  
  
"Why does this weird shit always happen to us?"  
  
Malfoy rode by on a mule, carrying a sign that read "Huge Ass Beers! This Way!"  
  
Harry and a few others shrugged and followed Malfoy and his mule down into the dungeon. Dumbledore greeted them at the bottom of the stairs.  
  
"Hello children, and remember: put a cowboy dick in your posse today!" Dumbledore's bright blue eyes twinkled behind his half moon spectacles as he said this.  
  
"Oookay," said Ron uneasily. "Where's this beer at?"  
  
Professor Trelawney glided over to them in her glittering ensemble.  
  
"Ah," she said mistily. "Watch and listen. Behold my bottle of beer."  
  
"Yes, it's a bottle of beer," said Ron impatiently. "Where's the rest of it?"  
  
"Watch this," said Trelawney, and promptly opened the bottle of beer with her clevage.  
  
All present were both repulsed and intruiged.  
  
"I wonder if I could do that with my butt," mused Seamus.  
  
"Sure you can. Try it," encouraged Professor Lupin.  
  
Snape abruptly swept into view.  
  
"There will be none of that nonsense in my dungeon."  
  
Lupin gaped at Snape like a man in love.  
  
"Grease for my leeks!" he exclaimed and rushed at Snape.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry hat located the beer and was searching for the beer nuts.  
  
"Seamus, I'm not so sure you should try that with your ass," warned Hermione.  
  
"Why not? Professor Lupin said I could."  
  
Seamus and the other students looked over at Lupin, who now had Snape tied to a chair. Lupin donned his svelte black fedora hat and danced around the Potions Master, chanting "Greasy leeks! Greasy leeks!" into his microphone.  
  
Snape rolled his eyes. "I suppose I should feel sexy being tied up like this; however, I only feel incredibly stupid. Will you shut up that infernal nonsense, Lupin?"  
  
"Remus, untie Severus at once," ordered Dumbledore, handing his beer to Trelawney, who popped the cap off with her clevage.  
  
"I just realized something!" exclaimed Hermione. "The sign reads "Huge Ass Beers', right? Well, these are only average beers."  
  
"It's a lie," yelled Neville.  
  
Everyone gasped. Lupin stopped chanting and began foaming at the mouth. At that moment, Malfoy returned from watering his mule.  
  
"Let's get him!" yelled Dumbledore, brandishing a plastic pirate sword.  
  
"Holy shit!" replied Draco, and sprinted towards the stairs.  
  
"Don't forget me," shouted Snape, still tied to the chair.  
  
Hermione waved her wand and the chair started after the mob, Snape still bound to it with rope around his wrists and ankles.  
  
"You're a dead man, Malfoy!" roared Snape.  
  
Harry uttered a crazy laugh similar to Riff Raff's in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, as they chased after Draco.  
  
"Oh! Woe is me,"shrieked Malfoy, searching for a good place to hide.  
  
He spotted a random cupola just beyond McGonagall's office. Draco dove into the cupola, but was quickly thrown back out.  
  
"God doesn't know I'm in here,"the Metatron within the cupola told Draco.  
  
"What the bloody hell...?" said Draco.  
  
"Watch your mouth, young man. Now, kindly get the hell out of here before I use the Sheriff's zircon encrusted tweezers on you. He plucked out all of Robin Hood's ass hairs with them. You think the plague kiled all those people in the Middle Ages? Nonsense! Twas the Sheriff and his zircon encrusted tweezers. Beware of them!"  
  
"I've found him!"  
  
The Metatron dove back into the cupola, and then conveniently vanished.  
  
White faced, Malfoy turned around and saw Dumbledore, who now sported a red sheet tied around his neck like a cape. Lupin wore only his slick black fedora hat, and stood in the background eating his pants, literally.  
  
"Charge!" yelled Hermione, leading the assault.  
  
Trelawney bared her breasts and roared. It was horrifying! Harry popped open another beer courtesy of the faux seer's clevage and stumbled forward with the pack. Neville was red-faced and furious; Dean Thomas likewise. Ron was torn between Trelawney's clevage and the chance of doing something truly great.  
  
"Uh...I think it's stuck," called Seamus' voice from behind the rear of the stampede.  
  
"That's beer abuse!" commented someone.  
  
Snape and his chair were second in command. He made pretty picture in his flowing black robes and Napoleon hat.  
  
"Prepare to meet your fate, young Malfoy!"  
  
A fleeting thought of Draco's was that Snape and the Metatron looked an awful lot alike. Perhaps they were related. Then, Draco's flight response took over.  
  
"Run away!" he screamed and his legs obeyed. They carried him far and wide-right into his father, actually.  
  
"F-father," gasped Draco, skidding to a halt before the tall, delicious-looking long-haired blond.  
  
"Stand up straight," ordered Lucius Malfoy, prodding Draco with his cane.  
  
"You gotta help me, father. They're after me!"  
  
"Calm yourself, Draco. I'm here to inform you that Narcissa and I are no more. You have a new mother now-waiting for you in that conveniently placed room over there."  
  
Lucius used his sexy cane to shove Draco into the conveniently placed room and then bolted the door.  
  
The room was dark save for a roaring fire that cast flickering shadows all about. Today was not a good day.  
  
"Mum?" whispered Malfoy. He spotted a dark figure sitting at the desk in a shadow filled corner. Slowly, Draco approached the figure. "Uh, hello?"  
  
Slowly, the seated figure swiveled around in one of those nice leather office chairs your boss uses solely for when he or she calls people in to fire them. Draco halted, petrified.  
  
Threre sat a person clothed in black. A person with long, unruly black hair, black eyes, and, yes, a black beard. He looked an awful lot like Snape and the Metatron, and he was smiling the greasiest, most unsavory smile seen on this side of Middle Earth.  
  
"You rang?" The creepy man inquired, his tone mocking Draco's very existence.  
  
In his right hand he held a pair of zircon encrusted tweezers.  
  
~FIN~  
  
A/N: Happy Easter to all! I do not own the Sheriff of Nottingham, nor do I own the Metatron or Middle Earth. The zircon encrusted tweezers come courtesy of an old Frank Zappa song entitled "Montana". 


End file.
